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Getting Right With Your Relationship

April 26, 2017

Introduction: Have you ever been hurt by someone else, and wanted to hurt them back? Get even? Seek revenge? Retaliate? Even had murderous thoughts?
Esau, the Old Testament character, had those feelings. And, many would justify him acting on them.
The story of Esau and Jacob reads like a juicy novel. The brothers were born to Isaac, the son of Abraham. When Isaac is near death, he desires to give to Esau, the older of the two brothers, his blessing. Today, we bless things all the time, and it means approval or acceptance. But in biblical times, a blessing was to grant another a place of honor and status. You’ve heard it said of some people, “Everything he touches turns to gold.” That’s the kind of reward that comes to one who has received the blessing. And, usually, the blessing is given to the firstborn son. In this case, that is Esau. Yet, as the story unfolds, at the scheming of his mother, Rebekah, Jacob, the younger son, tricks and deceives his father, Isaac, so that the blessing is given to Jacob, whose name by the way means “he deceives.”
Imagine the shock and horror that Esau feels when he learns of the deception.
Esau is left with nothing. He is crushed. The hurt boils into a rage. Deep seated anguish turns into all out revenge. Esau’s mind begins to race, contemplating the numerous ways he can settle the score, to make it right, to destroy the deceiver.
Learning of Esau’s murderous rampage, again at the direction of his mother, Jacob hightails it to Haran. He ran away like a chicken that he was.
Scholars say twenty years pass. Jacob marries and marries again, the victim of deception, getting a little taste of his own medicine. He has children, twelve boys (who become the twelve tribes of Israel) and a girl. He accumulates wealth. He encounters God on several occasions.
It is during one of those encounters with God at Mahanaim, Genesis 32:1-2, that Jacob evidently realizes his part in the broken relationship with his brother Esau and seeks to make it right. In his words, “he wants to find favor in Esau’s eyes” (Gen. 32:5, 33:8, 15). This is a biblical way of saying; I want to mend the relationship. The break has gone on too long. It is time to make it right, to ease the tension, to bury the hatchet, to make up, to forgive and forget.
Jacob sends a messenger to Esau, informing him of his intent. Esau, in return, doesn’t send a messenger with a reply; instead, he decides to deliver the message himself with 450 men accompanying him. I’ve heard of taking another person with you when confronting another, but not 450.
Jacob, learning of Esau’s strategy, is fearful. He surmises, “Esau is intending to follow through on the promise he made years earlier. He will get his revenge. He is going to attack me and my family. He is going to kill me.” After all, Esau did have a grudge against Jacob. And, Jacob knew Esau had every right to seek revenge. And, Esau had stated publicly that he would kill his brother, Jacob. Is Jacob’s time up? Should he get his affairs in order?
Jacob prays. He knows that he and his men is no match for Esau’s troops. He asks for God’s protection, reminding God of his promise to him that God would bless him and would make his descendants a great nation. Then, Jacob selects a gift, a peace offering, to appease and to pacify Esau.
That night, before the scheduled meeting with Esau the next morning, Jacob spends it alone. There, as you recall, he wrestles with God, seeking God’s blessings. God does bless him, changing his name to Israel, meaning “he struggles with God,” and walks away with a limp—a permanent reminder of his changed heart and his daily need for God.
The next morning when Jacob awakes, Esau with his 400 men is coming toward him. Can you imagine what was going through Jacob’s mind? Maybe his whole life was flashing before his eyes. Perhaps he was saying to himself, “This is it.” Or he was breathing heavily knowing these were his final breaths.
Notice what happens. It is drama at its best. Let’s let the biblical writer describe the moment: “But Esau ran to meet him, hugged him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. Then they wept” (Gen. 33:4). The tears of revenge are bitter. But the tears of reconciliation are sweet. The hearts of the two men have been changed. Jacob, once the deceiver, is now the reconciler. Esau, once the grudge holder, is now the forgiver. Only God can change people like that.
Biblical reconciliation is the process of two previously alienated parties coming to peace with each other. Because God has reconciled us to himself through Jesus Christ, we can reconcile with each other, no longer counting our offenses against one another.
Prayer and reconciliation are the two greatest needs of the church. The lack of prayer robs us of the power of God. The absence of reconciliation robs the church of the power of unity.
From the story of Jacob and Esau we can learn the steps to reconciliation.

I. Reconciliation with others begins with God. (Genesis 32:1-2)
“Jacob went on his way, and God’s angels met him” (Gen.32:1). What did the angels say to Jacob? Would you have liked to have been privy to that conversation? Whatever was said motivated Jacob to make amends, to admit his wrong, and make amends with his brother Esau.
I believe that God works in our lives the same way. When we seek to enter his presence, he reveals to us those relationships that are broken and prompts us to make them right.
Here’s a thought. Could it be that the reason that we do not pray is because we know God will reveal those people we need to make reconciliation? Could it be the reason we are never silent before God is because we are fearful that we will hear God reveal the people we need to set things right?
Here’s the principle: Don’t seek God unless you want to make things right with others.

II. Reconciliation with others comes before reconciliation with God.
Those angels showed up for a reason. That reason, I believe, was to inform Jacob that before things can be right with God they have to be right with his brother.
If you want reconciliation with God you have to be reconciled with one another. Here’s the principle: You can’t live in harmony with your Heavenly Father until you are living in harmony with your human brothers and sisters. Broken ties with one another not only sever relationships with one another; it also severs the relationship with God.
Didn’t Jesus say the same thing? “So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matt. 5:23-24). Notice, carefully what Jesus is saying. He is talking about coming to worship. And, if you are offering a gift—of money, of praise—and you remember somebody has ill will or hard feelings against you, go to that person and make it right, make amends, seek reconciliation.
Here’s the question: Could it be that the reason your worship is meaningless, your work is ineffective, your prayers are unanswered is that you have not reconciled with your brother or your sister?

III. Reconciliation must be intentional. (Read Genesis 32:3-5)
Jacob knew that he had done wrong. Now he knew he had to make it right. He had to take the first step.  
Here’s the principle: Taking the initiative is imperative in reconciliation. Restoring a cracked relationship is like mending a broken arm. If your arm is broken you take initiative to get to a doctor so he can set it, put a cast on it, so healing can take place.  Broken relationships, like broken arms, are never mended accidentally. They require purposeful and intentional action.
We may try to deny the pain or ignore the split. We may think that time heals all wounds, but it only moves the pain below the surface, where it will affect future relationships.
    
The relationship is easier to mend when the offender apologizes to the offended. But, what if the offender does not admit their wrong? What then? The Scriptures inform us that even the offended is to take the initiative in seeking reconciliation. Again, to quote Jesus, “If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother” (Matthew 18:15). Look at that phrase “just between the two of you.” Too many of us are Bible-believing, but not Bible-practicing. This is one of the most overlook and most avoided verses in the Bible. Too often, too many of us resort to our Junior High days when someone has hurt us or offended us. We go to everyone else to plead our side of the story, to validate our feelings, to justify our anger, and we don’t go to the person who has offended us. That needs to stop.
When we go to that person, what do we say? Mathematics teaches us that “the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.” The same principle is true in reconciling relationships. The shortest distance between two people is a straight line. A straight line like: “I was wrong,” or “I haven’t been honest with you” or “Your actions hurt me,” or “I love you too much to allow our relationship to crumble.”
Three words have been helpful to me in this encounter. I would encourage you to practice them. Clarify not confront. Often we come to these encounters in an accusatory or revenge seek mode. I would suggest that you seek to clarify first. Not always, but often the issue at hand is a misunderstanding. Someone said something that was taken out of context or stated incorrectly. So seek first to understand. Clarify.
Here’s the question: Could it be that some of our relationships are lived in grinding silence because we are unwilling to take the initiative in beginning the process of reconciliation?

IV. Reconciliation must be bathed in prayer. (Genesis 32:9-12)
“Then Jacob prayed . . .” (Gen. 32:9 NIV). Jacob prayed, albeit for the wrong reasons, but, he, nevertheless, prayed. He prayed that Esau would spare his life.
Here’s the principle: Prayer is the salve for wounded parties; it is the lubricant for friction in relationships.
The reconciliation process is not a cake walk. It will often be messy. Hearts have been hardened. Feelings have been hurt. Emotions are on edge. Wounds are gaping. The offended when approached by the offender may look for an ulterior motive and may feel that the offender is disingenuous. The offended may be thinking, “Why after all these years do you want to get together now? Why do you want to make things right now?”
God needs to soften the hearts, to ease the emotions, to heal the wounds, to bring understanding to the reconciling parties. No greater power is available for that to happen than prayer. Prayer changes us. Don’t pray unless you want to change.
Here’s the question: How does your heart need to be soften so that healing in your broken relationships can occur?

V. Reconciliation demands humility.
On that morning after all these years, Esau and Jacob met. Jacob, the Scripture says, “. . . went on ahead and bowed to the ground seven times until he approached his brother” (Genesis 33:3). That act is a posture of humility. Jacob humbled himself before his brother. He came with the right spirit and the right attitude. He acknowledged that he had done the wrong. He was the deceiver. He tricked his brother out of his blessing. He was at fault.
Here’s the principle: Humility puts us in a position for reconciliation to occur. A price has to be paid for reconciliation and that price is commonly called “Swallowing your pride,” “Burying the hatchet,” “Admitting you are wrong.” Every action of reconciliation requires that someone in the hurting relationship, preferably both parties, admit their fault and their desire to repair the damage.
Here’s the question: What steps do you need to take that would communicate humility to the person you are estranged from? Humility is a common theme throughout scripture. It needs to be practiced. A failure to do so not only allows fractured relationships to continue but it puts us in opposition with God. Remember the scripture: “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble” (James 4:6).

VI. Reconciliation requires vulnerability.
At the face to face meeting, “But Esau ran to meet him, hugged him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. Then they wept” (Genesis 33:4). The two brothers embraced, throwing their arms around each other. That act is a picture of vulnerability.
To embrace someone is to expose your heart. To expose your heart is to reveal your part in the damaged relationship. Here, you reveal the hurt and the pain you caused. You admit that you were wrong. Here’s the principle: Reconciliation will never happen until the heart is exposed.
    
Now, here is the rub. Whenever you expose your heart you stand the chance of having your heart broken, again. People will let you down, disappoint you, and trample your emotions. Crawling into a shell, living in isolation, would be easier. There, safe from the pain and hurt of relationships, you could shut out all of humanity. 
Could it be that you have been hurt so deeply that you don’t want to expose your heart again? Do you want to live that way?
Here’s the question: Do you want to go through life living in a cocoon, safe from the hurtful arrows of others, but cut off from the relationships that give you love and life and joy?

VII. Reconciliation nears its finished work when forgiveness has been extended. (Genesis 33:4)
Jacob wanted to find favor in the eyes of Esau. He sought peace. He desired to put the past behind him. He humbled himself before Esau. He opened up his heart. He wanted most of all forgiveness.
Esau embraced Jacob. And, as they held each other, I’m sure that Jacob said, “Please forgive me, brother.” Then, Esau spoke those life-changing words, “Brother, I forgive you.”
Forgiveness is not optional in reconciling a broken relationship. Here’s the principle: Forgiveness involves letting go so you can get on with the rest of your life. It is not probation, but a pardon. Forgiveness means that we do not require any money, words, or actions as payment. It means that there will be no continuing resentment or bitterness. We hope for the best for the other.
Forgiveness is a long healing, not a momentary one.
Here’s the question: Don’t you think it is time you let go of those past hurts?

VIII. Reconciliation has been accomplished when restitution has been made.
Jacob wanted to make things right. He had harmed and wronged his brother. He had stolen his birthright and all the inheritance that goes with it.
Notice verse eight: “So Esau said, ‘What do you mean by this whole procession I met?’ ‘To find favor with you, my lord,’ he answered” (Gen. 33:8). The procession was the herds and flocks that Jacob was giving to Esau in restitution for the wrong he had suffered.
Here’s the principle: Restitution is attempting to restore that which has been damaged or destroyed and seeking justice whenever we have the power to act or to influence those in authority to act. Restitution is much easier when it comes to physical property. If you have taken physical property, you give it back or your pay for it. Restitution is much more difficult when you have said words that have damaged a person’s name and character.
Here’s the question: In what ways do you need to restore that which you have damaged in the broken relationship?
Jacob acknowledges his wrong; he reconciles. Esau forgives. The once broken relationship is mended. Wouldn’t it be nice if all broken relationship ended that way? It can.
In this story we catch a glimpse of God. Notice carefully what Jacob says to Esau: “If I have found favor with you, take this gift from my hand. For indeed, I have seen your face, [and it is] like seeing God’s face, since you have accepted me” (Gen. 33:10). If you want to know what the face of God looks like, go to the brother or sister you have offended, ask for their forgiveness, then, hear them say, “You are forgiven.” When forgiveness is extended to the brother or sister who has wounded us, we are like God.
And, aren’t we as believers in Jesus Christ to be like God?
Think about it. We have broken our relationship with God, time and time again. We sin. He hurt God greatly with our disobedience and our rebellion. God does not have to forgive us. In fact, he could just as easily hold a grudge and punish us to hell for eternity. Instead, like Esau, God comes to us through his Son, Jesus Christ, embracing us, calling us brother and sister, and saying, “I forgive you. I don’t hold your sins against you. I want to walk with you and be your friend.”
As God has forgiven you, you are to forgive those who have hurt you. As God has reconciled with you, you are to reconcile with others.